I never would have thought I would have to start my first job during a global pandemic. But seriously I was not prepared for this at all. When I think back, I am not sure if I could have ever prepared for such a situation. It was an extremely difficult time at the beginning, like it was for all of us, and it still is. However, a few months into the pandemic I got my first Job! I was elated, grateful and excited to jump into work and help people in need. At that time as much as there was a surge in COVID cases, there were also people who were reaching out to mental health professionals. I was driven and passionate to help them all but in 2 months at my new job. I reached burnout and I came crashing down. I did not see that coming, yet again something that I did not perceive as a novice therapist. I forgot that I am in the pandemic too. That I am human.
I quit in 3 months. It was a hard decision to make as I was seeing many people getting laid off, the job market was crashing. I was filled with guilt, shame, and defeat. I self-loathed for a whole month, that I was not fit to be a therapist. I felt that I have failed myself. I attached my whole existence with this one event and being an unsuccessful therapist. Trust me, I even considered switching my profession. As I think back now, yes! therapists can forget to be compassionate towards themselves too.
Two months in, I felt rested enough, but I still had a huge amount of self-doubt. I felt like I was not prepared to go out and see clients again. Then I thought to myself can I ever be 100% prepared? So, I slowly entered very few spaces and accompanied with lots of self-doubt- conducting workshops, interviewing, and seeing clients. I looked at my so-called ‘Failure’ as a lesson where I can learn from. So I reached out for support from fellow peers, my therapist, friends, and supervisor. I must tell you I didn’t feel any difficult emotion lifted off, but I felt immensely supported.
From building my own practice and working along with Katharsis, it has been a gentle and deliberate journey that I have taken. As I grew as an individual, I also saw Katharsis grow and nurture people who walked into our workshops, therapy sessions and learning/unlearning through our content. A year later when I look back, I learnt that I could feel unsuccessful, yet exist. That I am also resilient, patient and forgiving.
"I feel most attuned now it makes me feel closer to who I am as a therapist"
Subiksha Natarajan
Subiksha attained her degrees in psychology from P.S.G College of Arts and Science, Coimbatore and Christ University, Bangalore. She was driven to become a mental health professional after she witnessed the lack of a school counsellor in her high school. During her Masters she worked as a counsellor in various educational spaces, and briefly worked with marginalized communities. In her practice she combines various therapeutic approaches to meet her clients desired goal and deeply believes in their innate capacity to heal and grow. Subiksha is inclined to work towards the client's holistic welfare with the help of creative tools. Currently, she is pursuing a certification in Dance/Movement Therapy facilitation
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